


Blackout

by snowquail



Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware, Half Life VR But The AI Is Self-Aware
Genre: Apologies, Black Mesa Sweet Voice, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Not A Game AU, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Power Outage, Pre-Relationship, Thunderstorms, benrey uses he/him but is nonbinary in this, frenrey roommates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-12-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:01:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25906990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowquail/pseuds/snowquail
Summary: Sudden power outages are not so kind to Gordon after Black Mesa. Benrey doesn't understand at first, but he gets there.
Relationships: Benrey & Gordon Freeman
Comments: 31
Kudos: 283





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> 'eh i don't think i'll write anything for hlvrai' i said, two hours before the idea for this smacked me upside the head. anyways, this is my first time writing these two, so let me know how i did if you'd like! enjoy!

It had rained a couple times since getting back from the whole ordeal at Black Mesa, but this was the first time it had full-on  _ stormed. _ House-shaking thunder, heat lightning, whipping wind, pounding rain, the whole shebang. 

Aside from the few occasions he’d gotten caught in them, Gordon had never really minded storms. Honestly, for the past few years they'd made him think of Joshua. Ever since the kid had arrived, Gordon had made a point to take him out on the porch during storms to watch, a roundabout way of trying to encourage his son not to be scared of them. The first couple times had been a bit touch-and-go, but once it set in that the storms couldn’t hurt him under shelter, Josh had come around to watch them starry-eyed, clapping and shrieking with laughter at particularly loud booms of thunder. 

Man, Gordon missed him. For the next little while, though, Josh was staying at his uncle’s. It’d only been three weeks since the Resonance Cascade, and Gordon didn’t particularly want to subject his son to the nightmares and jumpiness that had followed him out of Black Mesa. Dealing with them first hand was upsetting enough for Gordon, he couldn’t imagine how much they’d freak out a toddler.

That and… there was also his new roommate. Gordon had no fucking  _ idea  _ how Benrey managed to come back,  _ again, _ but in hindsight he probably shouldn’t have been surprised. Fucker always managed to come back to pester him. 

To be fair, though, aside from appearing in his kitchen a week ago and then literally making himself at home, Benrey hadn’t actually been a  _ bad  _ roommate so far. Yeah he’d stay up through the night playing video games and eat up Gordon’s food, but he picked up after himself and generally kept the volume down. He’d even started helping with chores, weirdly enough. Gordon still wasn’t going to say he  _ liked  _ the dude, but he was less horrible than he had been.

“mneh. mehmneh meuhmneh meh.”

Gordon blinked, coming back out of his thoughts.

Benrey was pouting up towards the ceiling, paused in dipping his pizza in the helping of ranch on his plate. Gordon watched, bemused, as he unpaused and took a bite.

Light flashed from the window and a crack of thunder rumbled a second later, and, still chewing, Benrey grumbled loudly again, glaring at the rain outside from under his beanie.

Wait, was he-?

Gordon huffed a quiet laugh. “Dude, are you… whining at the thunder?”

Benrey looked over at that and just stared at Gordon for a second before looking away again, giving a grumpy, non-committal,  _ “mmh.” _

Gordon huffed, amused, but then - oh. Oh he could give him a taste of his own medicine. A delighted grin crept over his face and he cleared his throat. "Oh, uh. Don't like thunder, buddy? Is- is Benrey afraid of a little boom?"

Benrey’s gaze snapped over again, his eyes wide, looking almost  _ betrayed _ , and Gordon burst into laughter.

Pouting again, Benrey shuffled lower in his seat and continued eating. “fuckin’… fuck off, bro. sky noises suck, don’t like ‘em."

Gordon grinned wider, putting his pizza down and resting his chin on his hand. “Oh, so Benrey can dish it but he can’t take it. Interesting.”

Benrey continued pouting grumpily and scarfing his pizza, flipping Gordon off with his free hand, and Gordon snorted.

“Wow. Y’know, you spent an awful lot of time being a fuckin’ jackass for someone who apparently can’t take jackassery in return.”

Benrey stuck out his tongue to blow a raspberry right as another clap of thunder hit, and Gordon rolled his eyes, moving to get up and grabbing his plate on the way. It was empty save for a few strips of crust, something he didn’t even think about until it caught Benrey’s attention.

“mm, don’t eat the crust, huh bro? lil’ weenie gordon can’t handle bread? you- lactose intolerant?”

“...Okay, first you’re thinking of gluten intolerance, which I don’t have considering the bread continues under the slice and I ate that, and second, fuck off. The whole point of pizza is the cheese and tomato sauce, why would I eat the part that doesn’t have that?”

“uh, yeah, the crust is the best part, actually?” Benrey stated, and then turned his slice around to start eating it backwards, crust first.

Gordon paused in rinsing his plate to just stare, vexed. Was he… was he being genuine or was Benrey just fucking with him? He  _ had  _ to be just fucking with him, Gordon had never met anyone who genuinely ate their pizza backwards. He blinked. He was spending way too much brain power on this. That happened a lot with Benrey, now that he thought about it. “Fuckin’... alright. Whatever, man.”

As he put his plate in the dishwasher, he stared out the kitchen window, watching the downpour. The rain fell in sheets, shimmering in the light of the street lamp across the road, and- aw, shit. He’d forgotten to take out the recycling. The bin was gonna be full of water in the morning. He sighed, absentmindedly rubbing at his arm. A problem for Future Gordon, then. 

Actually- maybe not.

“Hey, Benrey?” he asked, and the other man turned around in his seat to face him, slinging an arm over the back of the chair.

“yeahuh?”

“You think you could take care of the recycling before the truck comes tomorrow?”

Benrey gave him a quick once-over, expression flat. “scared of gettin' wet? you gonna melt like the wicked witch of the uh… w. weast?” 

Before Gordon could even begin to tackle that sentence, Benrey then shrugged and turned back around. “yeah, sure, benry can take care of it for ya.”

Gordon just looked at the back of him for a moment, and then decided not to spend any more brain cells on it. “...Thanks.”

Benrey held up a thumbs up without looking, chewing loudly.

Gordon sighed to himself, closing the dishwasher and rinsing off his hand. Ah. Yeah. Chores had gotten… interesting after returning from Black Mesa with the loss of his right hand. Hell, most aspects of life had. He was only just getting down showering and tying his hair back again, and even if he wished it wouldn’t, he knew that everything else would take just as long to get used to. Hopefully Dr. Coomer and Bubby were making headway with the prosthetic they’d told him they were developing.

Absentminded, Gordon detoured past the table again in his route to the living room. “Hey, run the dishwasher when you’re d-”

A loud, electrical pop snapped in the distance and the house plunged into darkness, and Gordon’s blood went ice cold.

“oh shit,” Benrey said mildly, but… it sounded… far away? For some reason? Afterimages danced across his vision and-

_ “What the hell?” _

That. That was Bubby’s voice.

_ “What is happening?” _

Oh. 

Oh fuck. Oh  _ fuck.  _ It was- they hadn’t- they were- they were still in Black Mesa and the lights- the lights had just went out because Bubby and Benrey had  _ tricked him _ and there were soldiers -  _ somewhere _ \- in the darkness and his breathing faltered as he stumbled backwards, he had to get away because they were going to grab him and-

(Distantly, he heard someone that sounded like Benrey go “uh, woah.”)

His back hit something solid and he flinched forward with a soft cry, hands- hand? hand. flying up to protect himself as he curled up on the floor with a hitched whimper.

_ “Has anyone seen Mr. Freeman?”  _

_ “There he is, get him!” _

Oh, he knew what came next. He  _ knew,  _ he  _ KNEW _ because it’d replayed in his dreams and it was happening again, the lights went out and he couldn’t see and he was going to get grabbed and hit and they were going to  _ cut his arm off. _

As the realization hit him-

(“yo, uh, bro?”)

\- a strangled noise escaped him and he jerked his right arm to his chest, he had to- he couldn’t let them do it, not  _ again _ .

“what the fuck? feetman, you- you good?” blended into  _ “do your job right and he gonna be DEAD soon!”  _ and distantly Gordon realized he was crying, but then he hiccuped and his breath caught and-  _ shit _ , he couldn’t breathe,  _ he couldn’t- _

(“woah, uh… shit… uh… b-breathe? gordon breathe please?”)

Gordon sat there, futilely gasping, so tense he was trembling until a short but crystal clear low note cut through his thoughts, almost immediately followed by a slightly higher one and suddenly he was able to suck in a breath, and he collapsed backward onto whatever the  _ fuck  _ was behind him, chest heaving and-

He could… he could… see? Somewhat? A glowing deep blue trail bisected his vision, accompanied by some spots of beige, and that- that wasn’t what came next.

“Wh… whuh, what…?” There was a shape behind the trail, faintly illuminated by the color and he squinted, image sliding into focus after a second and it was-

“Nnhgh,  _ B-Benrey?”  _ he squeaked out, and tried to scramble backwards, pushing himself further against the wall. What the  _ fuck  _ was going on?

Benrey was saying something, but it wasn’t coming through, still sounded too much like  _ “i’ve been waiting for this moment,”  _ but also he… looked weird? Off. Something about his appearance looked off. The shapes were too soft.

His hearing faded in again and it wasn’t  _ “oh, they separated his arm,”  _ it was “...eetman. feetman? you- you gotta listen to me, bro.”

Gordon managed a confused noise in between breaths and Benrey fell silent. As his eyes adjusted, Gordon could see that Benrey had his hands out in front of him -  _ oh  _ he was wearing a beanie, not a helmet, that was why he looked soft - and he looked... serious for once.  _ Concerned  _ even?

“What…  _ nngh,  _ what- where…” Gordon glanced around and trailed off with a questioning noise. He could faintly make out the shapes of… furniture? in the dark?

Benrey looked around briefly but his gaze came back to Gordon. “we’re… it’s your house, bro. you... you live here. ...‘less you lied and broke in, in which case I gotta escort you out, make sure you don’t steal anything,” he said, but he still looked unsure and it lacked the usual goading edge.

“...My h-?”

Something rumbled,  _ loud, _ the ground vibrating, and Gordon flinched, he had to- he had to make himself a smaller target, the only thing that shook the ground like that in Black Mesa were airstrikes-

“it- no, dude, it’s thunder. ‘s’just sky boom.”

Oh, he had said that out loud. 

“this is your house. casa de feetman. thunderstorm noscoped us and the power went out.”

Ah. Yeah, yeah it was raining, he could hear the pattering now. After a beat, the shapes of the furniture slowly slid back into recognition too, and yeah, he was- he was home.

A heavy sigh escaped Gordon as he deflated fully against the wall, all the tension in his body dissipating to be replaced with just. a  _ deep  _ tiredness.  _ Christ _ , he felt fucking  _ drained. _

Benrey was sat a few feet away, oddly (...blessedly) silent, still watching him with that unsure look.

With a smaller weary huff, Gordon brought his hand up to rub at his face, wiping away tear tracks and trying to get feeling back. His whole body felt fuzzy, like how a radio station that was just barely in range sounded. 

“...dude, uh. are you… o-kay?” Benrey asked after a small stretch of silence, hesitant but surprisingly sincere, hands fidgeting in his lap.

Gordon sighed, again, and he pushed himself up into a seated position, eyes closed, pressing his palm against his forehead in an attempt to ward away the headache that was starting. “...No. ...I am  _ not.”  _

He was about to say something else, but whatever he had in mind flew out the window as the Sweet Voice hanging in the air began to fade.

“B-  _ hhh, _ sing- please,” he said before he could think, voice cracking.

Benrey glanced up at the fading lights for a moment, but then complied, singing a stream of turquoise to saffron that hung over the dining table. Thunder rumbled again, but thankfully, Gordon was able to ignore it.

Slowly, he grabbed onto the nearest chair and used it to pull himself off the floor.  _ Up we go, Gordon. _

He took a moment to just stand there, coming back to himself, as Benrey got off the floor and instead parked himself on the armrest of the couch he’d been sitting beside.

“I… I’m gonna. Find a flashlight. And then I’m- going to bed,” Gordon mumbled, and turned to go back into the kitchen, searching for the junk drawer that held a couple flashlights. Bed, he reasoned, was not a thing he had in Black Mesa, so hopefully that would at least ground him if nothing else did. Soft sheets, comfortable mattress, only an old t-shirt and a pair of boxers instead of an HEV suit. Maybe he’d put on some soft music or something.

There was a fair amount of stuff in the junk drawer, but sure enough, a pair of chunky flashlights were rolling around towards the back.

“Do you… need a flashlight?” he found himself asking, squinting at the blurry shape of Benrey from over the counter. Ah, his glasses had come off at some point. He briefly wondered where they went, and then decided he was too tired to spend any energy on that. He’d find them tomorrow.

Benrey shrugged, and then, after a second, “eh. nah.”

“...‘Kay.” Gordon shoved the drawer closed and clicked on his flashlight, passively looking down at the illuminated circle projected on the linoleum floor. He surveyed the room, briefly, but then began the trudge to his bedroom.

Benrey watched him pass with a hesitant expression, his hands shoved in his hoodie pocket, and right before Gordon turned the corner into the hallway, a quiet “...‘night,” was called out behind him.

“‘Night.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _a beige that's especially bland means "i don't understand."_   
>  _turquoise to saffron means "the danger's gone."_
> 
> i couldn't fit it in, but gordon ends up falling asleep to [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-Gxd7a7KyE). assuming the year is 2020, i like the idea of gordon having watched the 90s moomins cartoon as a kid. :)
> 
> also, benrey's pizza sins are my own. what can i say, i like the crust


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> local eldritch space being learns about the fragility of humans

Benrey sat on the arm of the couch, staring at the space Gordon had just been in, slowly sinking backwards until he fell back on the cushions.

What had  _ that _ been? Yeah he’d seen Gordon freak before, it happened a few times in Black Mesa (and once again when Benrey showed up here at the house), but it had never been like  _ that _ . Gordon would usually get angry, or impatient, or frazzled, but he’d always kept going through it. This time it just full on took him out, Gordon had been  _ terrified _ . He hadn’t even responded to Benrey until he’d done the calming Sweet Voice.

And it was over a power outage, too. It sort of tracked, humans could get set off over things that seemed sort of whatever to Benrey, but he still didn’t fully understand  _ why _ . And honestly? Seeing Gordon that freaked out with no build-up made him just.  _ real  _ unsettled. He shifted on the couch so that he was lying on his side, taking his phone out of his pocket. Maybe he’d ask Tommy about it, Tommy was smart. And human. Or- used to be at least, but he still knew more than Benrey did.

The screen was bright against the darkness of the house, even at its lowest setting, but he squinted through it.

> BBBBB: yo
> 
> BBBBB: tommy

It took a couple minutes, but soon enough he got a text back.

> TC: Hi Benry! :-)
> 
> TC: What’s up?
> 
> BBBBB: gordon did a fuckin. a weird
> 
> TC: :-0
> 
> TC: What happened?
> 
> BBBBB: we were eating n it was chill but then the power went out n gordon freaked out
> 
> TC: He freaked out?
> 
> BBBBB: ya
> 
> BBBBB: got real scared
> 
> BBBBB: had 2 use the sweet voice to get him to calm dowm

Benrey paused, wondering what else to say, but Tommy beat him to it after a minute.

> TC: Oh.
> 
> TC: Um, I think I might know why.
> 
> BBBBB: ?
> 
> TC: He could have PTSD, Benry. :-(
> 
> BBBBB: peenage tutant sinja durtles?
> 
> TC: No, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Post-traumatic_stress_disorder#Symptoms
> 
> TC: I think the lights going out was similar enough to what happened when his arm got cut off, and he had flashbacks.

Benrey took the time to read most of the article and found himself frowning looking at the message that came after that. There was another thing that confused him.

> BBBBB: y was it so bad tho?
> 
> BBBBB: he can just regrow it right?

This time he spent the wait for Tommy’s response feeling increasingly uneasy. Humans  _ could  _ regrow limbs, right? Gordon was just... being stubborn. He hoped.

> TC: No, Benry, he can’t.

Oh. Shit.

...

> BBBBB: arent coomer n bubby making him a new one tho
> 
> TC: They are, but it wasn’t planned like Dr. Coomer’s Extendo Arms or Super Legs and it probably hurt a lot. :-(
> 
> TC: Humans are more delicate and feel pain a lot more than you do or me and my dad do, so it could make sense if he got PTSD from it.

Oh. Fuck.  _ Shit. _

_ That _ was why Gordon had been so upset with him.

He just lay there for a moment, stomach dropping as he realized the full ramifications. Slowly, he put his phone screen down on the cushion and then tugged his beanie over his eyes, pressing his face into his hands and quietly singing a short stream of cherry to pretzel.  _ Means I’m regretful. _

Ohhh, he had fucked up. Shit. Humans were so fucking weird. They were so fragile. He wished he didn’t have to fuck up in order to learn how to be a good friend to them. To Gordon.

He heaved a long sigh and then tugged his beanie back up, picking up his phone again.

> BBBBB: gonna apologize
> 
> TC: Oh! Well, that’s good!
> 
> BBBBB: how do i uh
> 
> BBBBB: help him
> 
> BBBBB: if it happens again
> 
> TC: Well,
> 
> TC: You’ll probably have to ask Mr. Freeman, but you said the Sweet Voice helped, so maybe start there?
> 
> TC: If he has flashbacks it might also be good to remind him of when and where he is and that he’s not in Black Mesa anymore.
> 
> BBBBB: k
> 
> BBBBB: cool
> 
> BBBBB: thank you tommy
> 
> TC: No problem, Benry! Good night!
> 
> BBBBB: night

Tucking his phone back into his hoodie pocket, he rolled back onto his back, staring at the black ceiling above. 

Ugh, feelings  _ hurt. Guilt _ hurt. He’d genuinely had no idea humans couldn’t recover like he could, he thought it’d just be a little  _ ‘haha woops, gotcha! sorry bro [shrug emoji],’ _ and Gordon would be like  _ “fuck you”  _ and then grow his arm back but  _ nope. _ Instead Benrey had irreparably fucked up one of his friends.

He sighed. Apologizing wasn’t going to magically bring Gordon’s arm back (unless apologizing to humans  _ could  _ do that, but he’s pretty sure Tommy would’ve mentioned it if it could), and from what the article said, wasn’t going to erase his PTSD either. But. Benrey had fucked up, so an apology was warranted. Apologizing and- and helping would be the least he could do. 

He took a breath.

Well…time to wait for morning, then, he guessed. He certainly wasn’t going to go wake Gordon up to do it now. Even  _ he  _ knew that that would be a bad idea.

He sat up, scanning the room for the TV remote. Maybe mindless video games would be a decent distraction for the time b- oh. Right. The power was out. He laid back down. 

There  _ was  _ his PSP, charged even, but… that was across the room. And he didn’t really feel like getting up. Well, that was a lie. He  _ could  _ get up, but the longer he thought about it, the more he realized that for once, he wasn’t really in the mood for gaming. He huffed and turned back on his side, wiggling further into his hoodie.

Sleep was always an option. He didn’t need it, but it was kind of nice sometimes, and it  _ was  _ a really convenient way of passing time. It was too quiet, though. The thunder had backed off (nice), and there was still the muffled patter of rain outside, but it was still quieter than usual. The house sounded weird without the background hum of electronics.

Maybe…

He took out his phone again and brought up youtube. He had a playlist,  _ time 2 snooze, _ that he was pretty sure had some good stuff. Shepard tones, 10 hours of fork noises, the Kahoot lobby music on loop. Ah, there it was.  _ Calming & Relaxing 60 Cycle Hum _ . That’d do it.

He tapped the video on and put his phone on the coffee table, stretching out and then relaxing into the couch cushions with a sigh as the hum started.

He’d sleep for a while, wake up, watch Gordon make breakfast and steal some of his frozen waffles, then Benrey would apologize, and things would… go from there, he supposed. Yup. Benrey nodded once to himself, closed his eyes, and then promptly conked out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i like to imagine that sleep is a switch for benrey, it's either yes or no. if he flips it while standing, he ragdolls to the ground and is out like a light until he wakes up, which usually takes 10 hours exactly
> 
>  _time 2 snooze_ does not exist, but the videos on it do, and [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uPY91zJfXUM) is the one he listens to. it's surprisingly chill


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and here it is!! thank you all for being so patient. also, if you're rereading (thank you v much, holy shit), you may notice this chapter goes a little differently than it originally did. i got kinda off track from my original idea when i first wrote it and once i noticed it it started to bug me, so as of december 2020, i went in and polished it up a bit, and now it's right where i want it to be! enjoy!

Gordon came to wakefulness slowly, and for once, feeling actually somewhat rested. He hadn’t dreamed either, which was also a bit of a blessing. Though, he wasn’t sure how much it was worth it if he had to have a PTSD episode before he could sleep well. He dragged his hand down his face. God, Black Mesa had fucked him up.

He turned his head to the side, looking to the clock on his nightstand. 1:34 pm. Aw hell, that was… actually, he wasn’t really sure. He usually liked getting up sometime mid-morning, but now that he actually thought about it, there weren’t really any horrible consequences for sleeping this late. It’s not like he had any sort of work to go to anymore. And he was pretty sure it was the weekend, anyway.

Gordon closed his eyes again, reveling in the feeling of waking up comfortable for once. Yeah, bed had been a good idea.

Another few quiet blissful minutes passed, before his stomach rumbled. He sighed. Couldn’t stay in bed forever, then.

He sat up and began to card his hand through his hair, staring into space as his brain began the process of booting up. He didn’t even want to begin to tackle yesterday until he’d had some coffee at least. And he wasn’t especially looking forward to having to interact with Benrey about it, either. Though, if he remembered right, Benrey had actually helped? Kind of?  _ Wait. Not yet. Ruminate later, breakfast for Gordon now. _

Gordon stood up and made his way out into the rest of the house with a sigh, combing the last few tangles out from his hair. A patch of sunlight on the hardwood floor made him pause, and he stood in it for a good few seconds. If only all mornings (well, afternoons) were this kind to him.

Finally, he emerged into the living room.

Benrey, as usual, was lying on the couch, absorbed in his PSP, though apparently not enough so to miss Gordon’s entrance.

“oh. sup. slept late today, you’re gonna have to reschedule your updog appointment. ‘cause you uh… missed it.”

“What’s an updog appointment?”

“............ aw, man,” Benrey mumbled, and then didn’t elaborate.

Gordon decided to let that one go and continued into the kitchen. He would have the brain power to attempt to fathom Benrey  _ after  _ coffee. And cereal, preferably. Thankfully, neither were difficult to fix up.

He was halfway through shaking some cereal into a bowl when he heard Benrey speak up behind him from the dining table he’d apparently migrated to.

“oh, no waffles? boooo.”

“I’m- I don’t feel like it this morning, man,” Gordon said, mildly exasperated, and glanced at the coffee pot. Almost done. “Make your own if you want some, we’re not out.”

Benrey shrugged. “mmh.”

“...You just want to steal my food, don’t you.”

Benrey just smiled at him.

Gordon sighed as the coffee maker beeped. Oh, good. He poured himself a mug ( _ “the physics is theoretical but the fun is real” _ ), fixed the remainder of his cereal, and then cautiously ferried them over to the table, balancing them carefully between his hand and his stump. He put them down, and then- oh.

His glasses, neatly folded, were resting at his usual seat.

“You… grabbed my glasses for me?” he asked as he sat down. That was one thing he was certain he remembered - deciding to put off looking for them until the next day, so since no one else was living here at the moment, it must have been Benrey that found them and put them there.

“mmmmmmhm,” Benrey went without looking up from his phone. If Gordon had been a little more awake, he would’ve noticed how kind of… subdued Benrey sounded, but as it was Gordon was more just surprised he’d gotten a straight answer out of him. Huh.

“Thanks… dude.”

Benrey nodded.

Taking a sip of coffee -  _ oh, yeah, this is gonna hit the spot, _ \- Gordon considered his roommate. Benrey had been… much more chill than Gordon had ever seen him as of late. Maybe some of it was Gordon no longer being in a fight-for-your-life situation, meaning he was less stressed and had more patience, but even so, it felt like Benrey had backed off somewhat. They still bickered (a lot actually), but now it was over things like how to sit on couches, or whether or not peanut butter should be refrigerated, or which CDI Legend of Zelda was the best, and Gordon hadn’t gotten  _ heated  _ heated since that very first night when Benrey had shown up in his kitchen. And now here he was, playing video games and vacuuming and keeping Gordon company while he ate.

Gordon zoned back in and- uh, oh.

In the time Gordon had been lost in his thoughts, Benrey had put his phone away and had hunched further into his hoodie, staring into the distance and making a face like he was about to clean out a tub of leftovers that had expired two months ago.

“Okay, woah,” Gordon started, putting his mug back down from where he’d picked it up, and Benrey startled a little. “Dude, you look…  _ uncomfortable, _ which is- a fuckin’  _ first. _ I… are you okay??”

Benrey frowned deeper and squirmed in his seat a little, shrinking even further into his hoodie. Whatever the fuck he was considering, he was certainly having a capital-t Time in thinking about talking about it.

It took a moment, but Benrey came to an internal resolve, took a breath, closed his eyes, and then sang a long swirling stream of deep purples and dark blues. And then almost immediately went, “oh- shit. yeah, you. can’t understand any of that,” and then gave a short sigh.

Gordon, confused but very much picking up on the fact that whatever it was was important, took a hesitant bite of cereal while Benrey recollected himself.

The dude was gearing up to try again when he noticed Gordon still staring at him. “mmmbro, don’t- fuckin’- quit. staring at me. please.”

Gordon blinked in surprise but after a moment dragged his eyes away down to his cereal bowl. Normally he would feel like making some quip or something, but whatever made Benrey this uncomfortable  _ had  _ to be important. Absently, he noted that the last of his honey bunches of oats were in the beginning stages of becoming soggy.

Out of the corner of his eye, Gordon saw Benrey pull his knees up in front of him and pull the drawstring of his hood so tight it scrunched up around his face.

“uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’mmmm uh. ‘m’sorry. ...‘bout your hand. thought it’d grow back. ‘cause like,  _ i  _ do that shit all the time, i’m like a fuckin’ starfish, but a person. and you are also a person? so i thought you could do it too, but tommy told me humans are… didn’t get that patch? ….....but. it was fucked up, ‘n i’m sorry i uh. made it happen.”

He- ...oh. 

...

Wait, he-

“You thought it would  _ grow back?” _ Gordon felt his disbelief, his rage, his  _ hurt _ start bubbling up in his chest, but then the rest of Benrey’s words registered and Gordon saw Benrey anxiously peeking out from his hoodie and saw the  _ honesty  _ in his eyes, the  _ sincerity,  _ and it lost steam. “You… you did.”

And suddenly, it all clicked as Gordon remembered one of the first few things Benrey had ever said to him.

_ “it’s okay, i’m not human.” _

He wasn’t human. He wasn’t human, and he didn’t completely know how humans worked. Gordon could even hazard a guess that video games were probably Benrey’s main source of knowledge about humans. Video games, where injuries and death aren’t permanent, where they can be undone, like how it was for him. Benrey genuinely didn’t know.  _ Genuinely didn’t know. _

Apparently it was possible for Benrey to shrink even further in on himself, and he looked away, lowly singing a few more bubbles of blue and purple, and then went back to anxiously peering out at Gordon, waiting for his response.

Slowly, Gordon put his spoon down and scooted his chair backwards, running his hand through his hair with a heavy sigh. Jesus, what  _ was  _ his response? He didn’t- it was-

Okay. He was still upset, probably would be for the rest of his life and rightfully so, his  _ hand  _ was gone, it got  _ cut off,  _ and even though Coomer and Bubby were making him a new one, this shit would  _ stick  _ with him. But. With this new information, he could... maybe see where Benrey was coming from. Partially. Lots of people did like to prank their friends, and if it was as trivial as it was for Benrey, maybe lopping off limbs that could be grown back was just that. A temporary inconvenience, a stupid prank. Even if Black Mesa had been a fucking awful time and place for one, and- yeah, there it was again. If Benrey knew that little about humans, he probably hadn't realized how  _ fucking harrowing _ it was being human for that whole ordeal.

...

Jesus.

Gordon sighed again and then took a deep breath to recollect himself, now absentmindedly fiddling with his hair. “Okay. I don’t… entirely know what to say? Thank- thank you. For apologizing. Doesn’t help this,” he gestured to his stump and then the general area of himself, “but. It… it means a lot. Or- it means something, at least.”

Benrey relaxed some and peeked out from his hoodie more, but his guilty expression didn’t entirely dissipate.  _ Good,  _ Gordon found himself thinking. “...I can’t say it wasn’t your fault, because it  _ is,  _ it is very much your fault, but… I think I can understand how you didn’t know, and… I guess I can forgive you for that much at least.” He sighed, fingers curling up in his hair. 

“But man, I dunno about the rest. That shit fucked me up  _ permanently,  _ I’ve got- I’ve got  _ PTSD _ now. It’s not gonna just- magically go away.” To his slight surprise, he found he was more just tired than angry. “I’m gonna have to deal with this shit for the rest of my fucking  _ life,  _ man.” He looked across the table at Benrey, not really holding out hope for much of a reaction, but- ...oh.

He looked- open. Kind of awkward about it, but more open than Gordon had ever seen him. Like he didn’t entirely understand, but was still receptive, still listening for once.

Benrey held eye contact for another second but then looked away and nodded. “no, yeah, that’s- chill. was a big enough fuckup y’don’t gotta forgive me.”

Gordon watched, some of the tension is his shoulders loosening. Huh. Well shit. That was...

“oh, but uh, yo,” Benrey started again before Gordon could finish the thought, tentatively lowering his hood. “benry read the ol’ walkthrough, so uh. next time it happens i can just- go right to the sweet voice, and… tellin’ you where we are n’ shit. that you’re good and that we’re not in black mesa anymore. if you want.” He shifted kind of awkwardly in his seat, and Gordon blinked, trying to process. 

“...I… are you… offering to  _ help?” _

Benrey shrugged and nodded, looking like he didn’t quite know what to do with himself. “yeah. i fucked shit up, you’re my bro, gotta try n’ make it better. ‘s much as i can.”

“Oh.” 

Jesus, this felt fucking weird. This was not even  _ remotely  _ what Gordon had been expecting when he exited his bedroom today. “Wait, you did  _ research?” _ If Benrey hadn’t known about human physiology, there was no way in hell he’d known about human psychology.

But yeah, Benrey nodded, fiddling with one of his hoodie’s drawstrings. “yup. tommy uh- he helped. but yeah. read lotsa words. got them strats now.”

“...Uh-huh.” Gordon was inclined to feel… a little skeptical - for sure uncertain - but Benrey’s suggestions weren’t bad ones, and if the info had come from Tommy, it probably had some merit.

Which, god, yeah, brought him back to the main matter at hand. Did he  _ want  _ help from Benrey? Any time earlier he’d have said  _ hell no,  _ but honestly? That wasn’t quite his gut reaction anymore. Which was… weird to consider. He actually trusted Benrey on this. Still cautiously, but the dude would’ve bent over fucking backwards to avoid this if he didn’t actually mean it.

“It is fuckin’  _ weird  _ when you get like, open and coherent and shit,” Gordon said as the thought occurred to him.

“huh?” Benrey tilted his head, just a bit too practiced.

“...Okay, yeah, I guess I had that one coming,” Gordon muttered to himself and for a second he swore he saw the corner of Benrey’s mouth twitch upwards. “But uh… I mean… I guess you could help?” he said, rubbing the back of his neck. “I- yeah, sure. If you’re gonna live here anyways. That would- that would actually be… good.” Now that he thought about it, last night probably would’ve been a lot worse had Benrey not been there to snap him out of it, and he felt a new trickle of appreciation appear. Benrey had snapped him out of it when he easily could’ve just peaced out. Looks like the dude had a conscious after all. Just a very, very weird one.

“cool.” Still serious, Benrey flashed him a thumbs-up. They sat for a moment, a newfoundly easy silence creeping in, and after a beat Gordon scooted himself back up to the table. Might as well finish his cereal.

Benrey watched idly, until he piped up again as Gordon finished chasing the last few flakes around the bowl.

“...you gonna drink the rest of that?”

“I- huh?”

“your moo juice.” He drummed his finger on the table and then pointed at the cereal bowl, and Gordon did a double take between them.

“........You seriously want my fucking cereal milk?”

“yeah, man. tasty. slurp.”

He… Gordon huffed a laugh. Benrey had a conscious, but he was still so fucking weird. “Fuckin’... sure, dude,” he said, and pushed the bowl over to Benrey. “Go ham, I guess.”

“sweet, thanks.” Benrey resettled in his seat and then picked up the bowl, downing it with the loudest three-second slurp he could manage, then put the bowl down like he’d finished a shot. 

“nice.” He had a milk moustache. Gordon snorted.

Benrey reached over to grab the spoon, too, and Gordon’s empty coffee mug, and then got up to make his way to the kitchen, apparently cleaning up for him, which… was nice of him. Gordon found himself smiling, bemused.

Afternoon light filtered through the blinds, catching dust, and the blue and purple Sweet Voice began to fade while the noise of Benrey washing the bowl rushed behind him in the kitchen.

It felt… honestly kind of bizarre to have cleared some of the air between him and Benrey. Gordon hadn’t been expecting him to apologize, like.  _ ever. _ But he had. Not for everything, but… this was a hell of a start. It was kind of wild to understand him a bit more, too. Benrey liked fucking with his friends (good  _ god  _ he did), but… it seemed like he didn’t want to actually  _ hurt  _ them, if he had the choice.

“yo, wanna play mario party 8?” Ah. Evidently, Benrey had finished cleaning.

“Mario- isn’t that for the wii? We don’t own a wii.”

“nope.”

“...How will we play it, then?”

Benrey wandered over and took a disc case out of his hoodie pocket. Mario Party 8. For the PS3.

“I… are you sure that’s Mario Party 8?”

Benrey shrugged.

“...Y’know what? Yeah, let’s do that. Fuck around and find out, huh?”

Benrey nodded, and Gordon stood up, tying his hair back and managing it on the first try, and Benrey turned to go into the living room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _purple to blue like a sky that is starry means "i'm sorry."_
> 
> and yeah, that's it!! i hope you enjoyed it, and thank you so much for reading!! *flourishes*


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